WHAT DOES HE WANT TO HEAR? And why women struggle to be honest with men

One of the most amazing things about a man is what he wants to hear from the woman he loves? It’s straightforward. He wants honesty from a deep connection. I can tell you right now; that is what women want too!

Ask any man what he wants to hear, and he’ll tell you that it’s awesome to hear how great and sexy he is, but what matters most is how freely a woman communicates her true feelings: what she wants, what she likes, and how she feels.

The secret to this most elusive honesty takes an understanding of the difficulties women face in being open with a man, enabling them to be themselves—the very thing he wants. Natural honesty—a woman being herself. No lies, no twists, and no, I love your t-shirt when you hate it.  Honesty is it!

You don’t have to be silver-tongued, just honest and confident in the relationship to say, “no, I don’t want to do that,” “no I want this more,” “yes, that was great I loved it,” and mean it. So, this article will dig deep into why men and women are truly similar creatures, but there is such a struggle to understand what he wants to hear and why a woman might not say it.

Don’t you really want to know? 

If you google the subject to find out what a guy wants to hear from his girlfriend or partner, you’ll find this: 

• “No guy is like you!” 
• “You’re so sexy like that!” 
• “I feel different with you.”
• “You are the best at…”
• “I’m happy.”
• “I’m listening”
• “You’re not like other guys.”
• “I love being in your arms.”
• “I have fun with your buddies.”
• “You always make me smile.” 
• “I trust you.”
• “Can you help me?”
• “You’re perfect.”
• “I respect you.”
• “I was wrong.”
• “You were amazing last night!”
  

It’s a feel-good list, in my opinion, for a man. But it’s like asking for advice on surface feelings, rather than learning what’s going on inside. What’s one of the sexiest things you can do for your partner? Understand him. When a man says, “she gets me,” it’s huge.

These lists above are great guild lines. They can create the feeling you get your man but as we all know, talk only lasts so long. I will say though, these lists are great reminders for things we might take for granted. I’ve used them in the past and they were helpful in sparking better communication. But none of these lists matters if what’s being said is not real. 

Research from the American Psychological Association shows that men and women are more alike than different. The myth of how different we are is really just that, a myth. We share a near-identical brain structure, have similar desires in life, family, needs for achievement, growth, and connection with others. So, there’s a big part of me, that has always ignored the idea that I will never understand a man or vice versa. I want to understand them.

More lies and deceptions exist in the earlier stages of relationships, which shows the more you connect and understand each other, the less you hold back, lie, or feel apprehensive to reveal yourself. Take a look at the quote from Dorry Hollander below.

Dory Hollander, Ph.D. says, eighty-five percent of the couples interviewed in a 1990 study of college students reported that one or both partners had lied about past relationships or recent indiscretions. And Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Virginia, confirms that dating couples lie to each other in about a third of their interactions—perhaps even more often than they deceive other people.

But marriage seems to offer some protection against deception: Spouses lie to each other in “only” about 10 percent of their major conversations. (you can read more on The Truth About Lying below in the Notes)

Men love to please and give support; it’s innate to take care of the women they love as it is for the woman. So, it makes no difference if it’s your first date or 150^th date; honesty keeps both parties going. But the problem is many women are afraid of openness when it comes to hurting or upsetting men, and men are adjusting themselves.

“When men imagine a female uprising, they imagine a world in which women rule men as men have ruled women.” –Sally Kempton, “Meditation for the Love of It”

I know it sounds a bit harsh, but if you’re in your late teens or twenties, you’ve grown up in a different world than those of your parents. Only recently in history have found their way onto the same platforms in life men have freely enjoyed for centuries.

WHY WOMEN STRUGGLE & HAVE BEEN MANIPULATING TO SURVIVE FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS

Women are labeled the gossipers, the evil web spinners, and so on. But if we review history, women have not lived free lives. To accomplish the same things a man performs has meant the difference between manipulating their surroundings or losing their security. Women weren’t allowed to vote until 1920! That’s like yesterday in the world of justice. It takes generations to advance. 

I remember one client, we’ll call her Rina. Her husband, a lovely guy, by the way, had an unconscious bias that distorted the way he perceived his wife. Not long after they were together, he became judgmental. He even expressed distaste to participate with her in what he called pettiness after expressing distrust for someone they met at the party. Rina was hurt and surprised, especially being her husband freely expressed his feelings and concerns about others. He’d spoken to her about an in-law who the family judged a messy housekeeper. Family members avoided visiting because of it, how he didn’t like one of his bosses because they were not trustworthy. He went so far as to tell Rina that every male friend she had before they were married were questionable characters seeking sexual favors from her over any friendship she might have imagined. He even spoke of his mother as the family dunce, which explained why the family typically ignored her.

Rina became afraid of her honest feelings and found herself manipulating her answers when asked about other people. She’d learned tactics over the years to allow her husband to think she had no opinions outside of his. But she’d slip up, and he’d then remind her how she was part of a hen house of women who were less than honorable in their petty gossip. It’s supposed to be funny, but in all fairness, men talk as much as women do, and his father had set the example for Rina’s husband from birth.

Have you ever wondered why women roll their eyes when a man interferes or enters a room where women talk? It’s not fun as a woman to feel that the man you love labels you, so you turn to your female connections to release this frustration and just be yourself. When you’re not free to talk to your partners, it does many things, one, you turn to others who understand you, and two, it can create an obsessive need to talk. Ironically, then it appears women are doing as men claim, gathering in groups to gossip.

You might think the world has changed, and it has, but lingering amongst our lives remains the manipulations. Women use sex to get what they want, and men use power to attract it. So, to answer the question, why do women have a hard time being truthful at times. We are not past the era of labeling women hysterical, illogical, and emotionally irrational decision-makers. If your relationship happens to be with a man who grew up in a culture that didn’t support equality regardless of his option to be liberal, then right there is your answer. He’s Rina’s husband over and over again. It’s very likely that women in his life will feel the influence of his father’s culture.

Men want honesty—but how hard it is to give honesty when you feel judged?

Men have had hundreds of years to practice the rights of freedom, which by the way, is the breeding ground for clear and logical thinking. But women during those centuries practiced trickery as a survival mechanism. Do not think it doesn’t’ make a difference. I admire men who maintain a healthy ethical practice in their personal life. And I refuse to believe that women are of a sinister nature while men are not. Humans react similarly according to how they are treated. A man will learn to manipulate when desperate, and a woman might become the tyrant if given the power to be one.

Look at 1867. Slaves won their freedom, but it was 100 years later when freedom barely began. Same for women. Imagine being trapped as a possession, mutilated by your clothing, labeled weak and lacking intellectual strength, first owned by your father, passed to your brothers, other male relatives, and finally to a husband. If you owned property through your father’s generosity, it automatically became your husband’s when you married. You were medically labeled with hysterical tendencies as a woman. Therefore, if your spouse was to beat you, rape you, mistreat you, or not care for you, leaving was not an option under punishment of the law.

I can imagine that women used what they had to get by, where men could be honest, straight forward with little to no risk of ending up in an asylum or out on the street. Research shows that in 1969 women were still not on mortgages; only their husbands regardless of the monies used to pay for the house, came directly from the woman. Only the husband could negotiate with the bank. 1969!! 

Can you imagine how easy it was to be totally honest with your man when you controlled so little?

MEN TODAY WANT EQUAL WOMEN IN THEIR LIVES

So, looking at our modern world, what do men want to hear? Sure, they love the above list that flatters them, but more than that, they want women to speak out equally. To be equal: not play games to get what they want. Women want the same thing. What does he want to hear? The same thing a woman wants to hear. That they are beautiful, accepted, love, trusted, needed, admired, the list goes on, but only when the words are truthful with mutual respect.

When two people create a relationship where both are free to think, express, and give without judgment, you have a beautiful relationship that will generate the right words or expressions that work.

Men are now a large portion of the stay at home parent groups. They don’t crumble when their wife makes more money than they do. I think they enjoy it as much as women enjoyed their husband’s success. They are in our yoga classes and help raise the kids equally with the mom. Did that happen even 30 years ago? Not often. 

SO HOW HONEST DOES HONEST MEAN IN OUR MODERN WORLD?

You can lie about his tie, how he makes love, his kiss, that awful shirt he loves, or how his feet stink after work, and it won’t get you anywhere. But you can tell the truth with acceptance, and your world is a different place. 

So, when learning how to identify a relationship that generates the right vibes for the right words between each other, it’s essential to ask yourself how open and free are you. Is it that freedom and trust there? 

When you are with that man you love, are you honest? Are you telling him what he wants to hear or what you feel?

Look for the next article on how to learn to be honest with your guy without hurting him. And communicate why you hate his favorite t-shirt, or that you feel uncomfortable around one of his friends, perhaps you want changes in the bedroom, or how he labels you.

Learn to be that woman you are most proud and watch honesty become more comfortable when you feel respected, understood, and not labeled.

Notes on what men want:

1. American Psychology Association, Men and Women: No Big Difference
2. Psychology Today, Allison Kornet, The Truth About Lying
3. PHYS ORG, How have gender stereotypes changed in the last 30 years?